Sayonara
by pinkperson
Summary: Haru ruminates on his white and black halves, feeling more than eager to bid farewell to a certain side forever.


I often feel as though I am cursed in more than one way. Being forced to undergo transformation into a musty ox is distressing enough as it is, what with the taste of grass tending to linger in my mouth long after I've puked most of it up. And man, does that suck.

But what I hate most about my curse in particular, is that I am also unable to get a hold of myself when my dark side is unleashed.

People often describe me as the nicest guy they know. Someone dependable, so long as they're not in need of directions. Rin tells me there aren't enough guys like me out there. She says it's what she finds so attractive about me. She thinks I'm sensitive, that I respect her feelings. Not to sound like I fish for compliments, but I enjoy being described in such a way. It makes me feel like I'm special. My heart overfills with pride, bursting pleasurably in my chest whenever she compliments my 'white' side.

I always dread uncomfortable situations that draw out 'black' Haru. I often feel skittish when I so much as encounter another human being because I'm so afraid that they may say or do something the least bit jarring. Despite the fact that I am often described as being laid-back and chill, I have a tendency to perspire heavily in public places. When I turn black, the white me dissipates, and is partially unaware of what arises when it's gone. It's almost like a mental disorder in which the real me is submerged and this raving lunatic is allowed to run rampant and violate any poor soul who doesn't cheer him on.

I've been told that even my voice changes when I turn black. Instead of being soft-spoken to the point that I'm often told to speak up, I become loud and shout at my victims. Rin has told me that I'm pretty much a dick to her when I turn black. Snarky...condescending. I sometimes raise my voice at her threateningly. And, at the time, this was a revelation that made me cover my mouth with shame. It upset me so much that I crawled under the covers of my bed, choosing to stay home from school and berate myself for my behavior instead. Regrettably, I have since been told that this has happened many times thereafter. And probably will continue indefinitely, to my disgust. I hate it so much because I would never want to be _that_ guy. An asshole who not only shouts, but also punches walls and bullies his girlfriend into submission. I know Rin is independent, but she is also vulnerable, and I suspect that she might accept such abuse if I were ever to dish it out.

And that disturbs me to the core.

She has told me that she doesn't like the way that I look at her when I turn black. She says it's like I become a completely different person. Someone who sees her as some sexual object and not as a human being. The kindness in my eyes flickers away. Taking its place, is something wicked and taunting. Not the least bit consoling, Rin has told me, when it occurs when the two of us are isolated at the time. It's upsetting to think that all the effort I put into maintaining a virtuous persona ends up being completely demolished all because there's a side to me that is so vile that it is incapable of giving a shit. It's like a monster hidden in the darkest alleys of my mind.

I hate the thought of getting violent with others. I despise people who don't know how to respond to difficulties without raising their fists. I've been told that my appearance belies my gentility. That my gruff exterior and edgy sense of style contradict my caring nature. I laugh at this because even I find it funny. I catch people staring at me when I go out sometimes, riding my bicycle while dressed like I'm off to a rave or a party. Girls have hit on me when they first meet me, but after we talk for a while I can sense their interest waning rapidly. No, I'm not the hardcore badass they thought I was. I'm just me. Obnoxiously dull Haru. Rin tells me she doesn't think I'm boring, but I can't help but feel that most girls would prefer the 'black' Haru over the 'white' one. Isn't it said that most girls want a bad boy? Oh well.

Anyway, all I can say in the end is that I sincerely hope that if this curse was ever to disintegrate, I hope that 'black' Haru will meet its (eagerly awaited) demise along with it. Now if there was anything that would call for a celebration, that would be it.

Sayonara, asshole.


End file.
